How all online reviews of restaurants should be

Reviews of restaurants and even a stripper joint that are found on the site yelp, and that are already funny to begin with, taken to new heights of hilariousness with the reviews being intrepreted by these gifted actors. By the geniuses at Gotta Kid to Feed Productions.

I came across one via tastefully offensive, and quickly went on to watch the other videos available, and enjoyed all of them immensely.

My favourite has got to be video #2, performed by Therese Plummer. I almost died laughing, till I cried. More like wept.

Another favourite is #3, featuring Brian O’Neill’s brilliant interpretation of this review.

I don’t really have favourites, I love them all!

Advertisements

Johnny Depp

John Christopher Depp II. Born 9th June 1963. Actor, screenwriter, director, producer, musician. Photo by nicogenin. Click to go to source: Wikipedia.

With his talent and his astounding versatility, Johnny Depp is the best actor ever, in my opinion. The greatest in his profession. In any generation, in the history of cinema.

Well we don’t have to wait till he’s old or has passed away to say it and acknowledge it. So what he’s still young and goodlooking. That just makes him even more amazing, to have done so much. I simply can’t think of any other actor who has as wide and as diverse a range of roles as he has under his belt, and he did all of them so well.

He can play regular-sexy, switching that on effortlessly in films like Public Enemies (2009),  Finding Neverland (2004), Chocolat (2000), etc.

He can also play offbeat-sexy very charmingly, like in Sleepy Hollow (1999) and The Tourist (2010) even when that film was a disappointment for me. Okay in some parts but a boring mess as a whole because of the pace and direction. Such a crime to him, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany and the other actors, because they were all so good in their given roles.

And he can play fun-crazy-sexy really well. I think he is best known for these roles. As Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and as Sweeney Todd (2007) just to name two more. (In fact two of his Oscar nominations were for those two roles.) And for all the all-out wacko roles where sexy doesn’t come into the picture, but awesome talent time and time again: as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland (2010), as Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), as Edward Scissorhands (1990), just to name three more of his work.

Image is cover of Vanity Fair’s November 2011 issue. Click image to go to the site of Vanity Fair.

Johnny Depp_chameleon

Image from pagingpage.tumblr.com, via the-midsummer-dingo.tumblr.com. Click to go to source.

Michael Fassbender

Michael Fassbender. Born 2nd April 1977. Actor. Photo by Gage Skidmore. Click photo to go to source: Wikipedia.

An Irish-German actor who is red hot right now. As an actor, Michael Fassbender is very talented. I enjoyed his performance in X-Men:First Class. And I think the reviews that I’ve come across of his other work are consistently positive.

I keep forgetting to rent the following movies starring him, but I must soon. They feature other actors I admire as well, and as a bonus I think all three movies are critically acclaimed:

The cover photo of him below that I saw some months ago is the kind of thing that makes me wonder why Michael Fassbender is considered attractive. It’s meant to be sexy, I think, with him being shirtless. But he looks all pale and a little malnourished. I’m just not into thin or slender guys. And I don’t get that expression. It hardly says, “Oh hey come fuck with me on this bed I’m warming up for you.” It looks to me more like it’s saying, “I’m kinda perplexed myself why you think I’m sexy.” Like he’s agreeing with me! LOL just kidding.

Click photo to go to source: The Hollywood Reporter.

I guess many people, fans or not, think the above is a hot picture of a hot actor. I honestly think that’s a bad picture of him. Why was a picture of him looking unhappy selected for a cover when he actually has a terrific smile? And he can be quite good-looking sometimes. Like in X-Men:First Class. Maybe it’s just that I think dark wavy locks look far better on him than a crop like that.

In related news, he apparently has a big dick. Big enough for Charlize Theron, who happens to be one of my favourite actresses, to mention it for a laugh, apparently.

It’s just that, his ‘broody, manly, intense, smoldering’ type of sex appeal, I find it far sexier on guys like Christian Bale and Daniel Craig, maybe because they are beefier. I’ve noted here that I don’t find some thin or lean and lanky types attractive, especially when it comes to Caucasian guys. Hairless and with skin so fair and pale, makes me think of morgue scenes in police shows like CSI, I’ll just put it that way.

An exception I can think of right now is James McAvoy, who happens to be the other leading man in X-Men. Now, there’s a pale guy who for some reason I think is sexy.

Denzel Washington

Denzel Hayes Washington, Jr. Born December 28 1954. Actor. Photograph by Falkenauge. Click photo to go to source: Wikipedia

When it comes to actors I can always count on for an entertaining movie, there are only a select few, like Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery, etc. Denzel Washington is another name. Plus he’s damn hot. An all-man man.

Will Smith is sexy too in his own way, in a boyish fun, let’s party kind of way, with that sweet infectious smile of his. And there are all other kinds of sexy. Denzel is hotdamn!, smoldering, set-me-on-fire sexxayy. I won’t even bother trying to picture him naked. He’s already too hot with his clothes on.

After a performance of Julius Caesar in NYC, on 23 May 2005. Photo by Paul Rudman. Click photo to go to source: Wikipedia.

As an actor, he is highly respected and loved, all of which he deserves as he is an amazingly, hugely talented performer.

I’ve seen many of his movies, and all were good. Every single one of them. Some of the really memorable ones are…

Mississippi Masala (1992). A beautiful movie directed by Mira Nair. Denzel plays a carpet cleaner caught in the turmoil of an interracial romance with an Indian girl, played by the excellent and criminally underrated actress Sarita Choudhury.

Philadelphia (1993). One of the most important movies centred on a gay character. About HIV/AIDS and homophobia.

The Siege (1998). Gave me goosebumps as I watched it after 9/11, only to discover later it was made way earlier. Sometimes even amazingly good movies and actors slip from the radar for some reason, and this is one. Annette Bening: being under-rated is like the story of her career. To me she belongs way up there with Meryl Streep.

All the ‘disaster movies’ of recent years with their computer graphics and not much else; the makers need only to watch a movie like The Siege to see that a heart and a good plot are never to be neglected no matter how much and impressive the visual effects.

The Hurricane (1999). I love Kevin Spacey, and I love American Beauty, but to me Denzel was robbed of the Oscar for this performance.

Training Day (2001). And then it was like an insult, to me as a big fan, as it seemed that they ‘tried to make it up’ by awarding the Oscar later to Denzel for a role in this movie. Gosh no. He was great in this, but there were so many other instances when he was truly great, yet those times were ignored.

What made it worse was: it also meant Russell Crowe was denied of a Tom Hanks-style coup, I thought; two Oscars in two consecutive years. Russell was nominated for his brilliant performance in A Beautiful Mind, and had won the previous year for Gladiator.

American Gangster (2007). Playing the bad guy again as the 70s heroin syndicate boss Frank Lucas, Denzel worked with Russell Crowe under the direction of the excellent Ridley Scott, one of my favourite directors, this movie is truly epic and right up there with Scarface.

Here’s a small sample of Denzel Washington’s massive hotness in the interview below, as part of an American Gangster promo.

And in this interview as well:

Brendan Fraser

Brendan James Fraser. Born December 3, 1968. Actor. Photo by David Shankbone. Click photo to go to source Wikipedia

A hunk who leans more towards comedy and action, he has acted in some good movies, but also dumb ones, unfortunately. Bedazzled and Monkeybone are truly awful movies. To me, anyway. But I was highly entertained by George of the Jungle.

Journey to the Center of the Earth is one of those movies that’s all special effects but no heart; no engaging storyline or characters. Unfortunately many blockbusters these days are like that.

Inkheart is another movie that just didn’t ‘capture’ me; all special effects and not much else.

And yet, and yet, Brendan Fraser is just so damn watchable, however bad the movie. He’s damn sexy and goofy at the same time. The hunky sensitive jock. He and Keanu Reeves should play brothers or buddies. That would be electrifying.

Brendan has so much charisma and is so good at what he does, that when he does appear in a good movie, it becomes immediately obvious how under-rated he is. It’s startling how much talent emerges when he is given the role and movie that he deserves. Examples include The Quiet American and Crash. And I’ve never even seen Gods and Monsters yet till now.

Other movies he totally excelled in, which I have seen, are Mrs Winterbourne and The Mummy trilogy.

George Clooney

George Clooney. Born May 6 1961. Actor, Director, Producer, Screenwriter. Photo by Nicolas Genin. Click photo to go to source: Wikipedia

His appeal is mostly to women, I think. Older women. He has an ‘old Hollywood’ charm about him. I like old Hollywood charm but, well… He has that lounge lizard vibe, all slick and suave, similar to that of say, Julio Iglesias and George Hamilton.

When I think about it, it’s funny that I don’t find him attractive. Because firstly, when it comes to admiring men physically and appreciating their sex appeal, I have always gravitated more towards ‘older’ men. And secondly, George Clooney is not just any older man, but someone who is so lusted after that he frequently makes an appearance in ‘sexiest men’ lists.

Which tickles me. To me, he has a good-looking face, but that’s it. I’m guessing it’s women who vote him into these lists, and that gay men have nothing or little to do with it? When it comes to George Clooney, I think it’s still only women who are from Venus, and that gay or straight, all men are from Mars.

I’ve watched a few films with him in it. I don’t particularly enjoy watching him as an actor, either. I think he’s pretty decent. I know he has an Oscar from an excellent performance in Syriana, but to me personally he is just okay; not as remarkable and talented as say, Viggo Mortensen, Colin Firth or Johnny Depp.

From Dusk Till Dawn – I liked this a lot. He was good in this.

One Fine Day – No.

The Peacemaker – No

Batman and Robin – No. And a massive joke of a movie. The only saving grace was Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy.

Out of Sight – No. And I can’t stand Jennifer Lopez’s acting, either.

Three Kings – Now, this movie I loved. And I like George’s performance in it as well.

The Perfect Storm – He was good in this too.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? – I liked him in this. And the movie was amazing.

Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Twelve – I liked the movies but not his performance

Ocean’s Thirteen – Now even the all-milked-out franchise I can’t stand

Syriana – Excellent performance

The Good German – Excellent performance as well. And I loved this movie.

Michael Clayton – He was good in this too

Burn After Reading – I thought he totally sucked here. A big mess of a movie, almost as messy and boring as Batman and Robin. George was supposed to be funny here. Brad Pitt fared better, but not much.

The American – This is supposed to be one of those slow-burning European style ‘noir’ films, sophisticated and intelligent. Usually I love that sort of thing, but here I just wanted to scrape out my eyeballs; it was so painfully boring and so painfully slow.

Hmm, after going through this list, I guess I think now he’s a better actor than I had thought.

Paul Rudd

Photo by lukeford.net, via Wikipedia. Click photo to go to the Wikipedia page

An incredibly talented and goodlooking actor, Paul Rudd is known mostly for his work in comedies, I think. But I first noticed him in the drama The Object of my Affection (1998), which I remember is a really beautiful and moving film.

Another one of my favourite performances of his is in The 40 Year Old Virgin, (2005) a highly entertaining comedy where he plays ‘David’, one of the buddies of the title character, Andy, played by Steve Carell.

What I find really attractive about Paul is his laid-back charm. His vibe is that of just a regular guy next door, friendly and kind, who just happens to be hot.

And best of all: has a great sense of humour. So he keeps you happy and smiling and laughing, in addition to being turned on.

He’s not male model beautiful, just regular dude beautiful, which has always been the kind of beautiful that is more of a turn-on for me. And you don’t really fantasize about ripping his clothes off and ravishing his body. You just want to kiss him forever before moving on to anything else because you just know that with a guy like that, the kissing part is the highlight and you just keep going back to that over and over.

Photo by Thomas Crenshaw at flickr. Click photo to go to Mr. Crenshaw's photostream at flickr.

Paul Rudd with Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen and Jason Segel. The fun photo by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair, in tribute to her own March 2006 cover of the same magazine. Click photo to go there.

The photo by Annie Leibovitz for the March 2006 cover of Vanity Fair. Click photo to go there.

Alexander Skarsgård

A good-looking Swedish actor with a fit bod, tall and lean. From what I come across on the net, Alexander Skarsgård is very popular and a lot of people find him very sexy.

Photo by David Shankbone, via Wikipedia

I tend to like my guys (hmm here that would refer to wanking material haha)  chunkier, not the lean and lanky pretty male model type. And when it comes to white guys; seldom blond, come to think of it. Most of the time I like ’em dark and hairy, yum!

But. Guys who look somewhat like Alexander or have some similarities, with the same vibes somewhat (to me), who I find more attractive, one of them would be Aaron Eckhart.

Aaron Eckhart. Photo by oandu, via Flickr.

Also: Jim Carrey (yep) and Cary Elwes, when they were younger. Actually I find Jim and Cary much more attractive now, no surprise since my tastes lean more to ‘older’ men. So maybe I’ll finally get it what Alexander’s appeal is … 10 or 20 years from now, haha… not to mention because his dad Stellan sure is a sexy fox!

Javier Bardem

Photo source: WEBN-TV via Flickr

I’ve never seen Before Night Falls (2000), Javier’s portrayal of the late gay Cuban writer Reinaldo Arenas. Neither have I seen many of his other films. In fact, all I’ve seen are The Sea Inside and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Both movies are totally excellent. I really need to make the effort to rent/buy his other movies because he is such a brilliant actor, in addition to being incredibly sexy.

The Sea Inside (2004) is one of those movies that sears and scars you and stays with you for life. Based on a real-life story, Javier portrays Ramon Sampedro, a quadriplegic who fought for the right to end his life. Spanish.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) is a whimsical fun ride from Woody Allen, made even more fun with the involvement of Scarlett Johansson, Patricia Clarkson and Penelope Cruz, three other actors whose work I always enjoy. In this comedy/drama/romance, Javier effortlessly turns on his amazing sex appeal to ultra-smoldering levels, in his role as a playboy painter.

Javier Bardem with Greg Hernandez of the website Greg In Hollywood. Photo source: Mr. Hernandez via Flickr

Sir Ian McKellen

'A study of Sir Ian' by Steve Punter. Click photo to go to Mr. Punter's photo collections on Flickr

I love movies but I’m not knowledgeable about individual actors. There are some actors I like more than others, including Angelina Jolie and Monica Belluci, but even with these people I don’t particularly care to know about them. Even when it comes to their work. I mean, if they’re in a new movie, I look forward to catch it, but I don’t follow their career or anything.

Ian is another actor whose talent I enjoy immensely. I discovered him very late, as the wizard Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And in the X-men trilogy, where he confirmed my suspicion that he’s devastatingly sexy. His charisma just hits the roof.

I’ve been doing some reading about him lately. First stop is Wikipedia, and from there I found his website. And, the real gem that I am relishing and quickly getting hooked on, his writings including his blogs. I love love love getting this peek into his personal thoughts. They span across decades, covering various subjects. I don’t know why, I just find them so fascinating. I’m such a nosy person sometimes.