Being gay. Not proud. Not ashamed. Just am.

I’m not proud of being gay. Because I don’t think it makes sense to be proud of being gay.

You can only be proud of the things you put work in. If you have to work for it. If you have to work at it. I didn’t do anything to be gay. No work involved. I was born gay. So, it’s not something to be proud of. But not being proud of it does not mean I am ashamed of it. I’m neither proud nor ashamed of being gay. I just am.

The same thing with being Malay. I was born Malay. No work involved. So no sense in being proud to be Malay. But not being proud of it does not mean I am ashamed of it. I’m neither proud nor ashamed of being Malay. I just am.

With being Muslim, however, it’s a different thing. Because I have to put work in to ‘stay Muslim’. Examples of this ‘work’, or should I say effort: I pray, and I fast during Ramadan, and I read the holy Qur’an to dedicate the holy Yaasiin verses to my late parents. I (try to remember to always) treat people with respect and kindness, whatever their religion or race. Things like that. That’s effort put in. So yes, I can be proud of being a Muslim, because it’s something I work at.

***

Okay, now what about ‘pride‘ being connected to ’embracing’ who I am. Do I ’embrace’ the fact that I’m gay? The word ‘embrace‘ in this context; I guess it means: do I celebrate and rejoice in being gay?

Do I run down a hill screaming ‘I’m gay!! I’m gay!!’ to the sounds of ‘the hiiiillssss… are aliiiive…. with the sound of muusssiiiiiiccc….‘ No. Do I join gay parades overseas? No. Am I a member of gay associations? No. Do I make it a point to attend gay events? No. Although I’m open to those things anytime in the future, why not. (Except the running down a hill screaming part). When I can make the time. When I want to. If the desire and interest develop into being, why not. But I don’t consider those things necessary. It would be nice, but not necessary.

I don’t ‘celebrate’ my being gay. I’m not sure…? But if I inspect this ‘not sure’ further, I’ll come back to ‘I don’t’. So let’s keep it simple and honest: I do not celebrate and rejoice in being gay. But does this mean I am ashamed of being gay? Nope. Because if I am, I would have done something to try and change things. I would have dated women. Convince myself I can ‘turn straight’. Maybe go on to marry one of the women. Convince myself sex with her is okay. Persuade myself to make love to her, say, once a fortnight (would monthly or quarterly still be considered reasonable?). Have kids with her. Generally, live life as a straight man, regardless of whether I lead a double life behind my wife and kids by sleeping with men on the side. But, still calling it life as a straight man.

Different people live differently. Make different choices.

If I’m ashamed of being gay, I would probably be living a lie. But I’m not. I’m spending my life with the man I love. God willing, I will be fortunate enough to have him by my side the rest of my life.  Even if this means people, strangers or otherwise, may sometimes look at me just a little bit differently. A subtle shake of the head, dramatically slow and sad. Or a knowing glint in their eyes. A thin smile. In disapproval? In approval, even? ahhh… who cares.

I am what God made me. I am male, Muslim, gay, Malay, Singaporean.  Lol.

May God give me the strength to continue to always be honest with myself. Amin!

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Being gay. Not proud. Not ashamed. Just am.

  1. Hi,
    I stumbled across your blog and I’m really glad to have read it. I’m a 26 yo asian male who is still trying to be comfortable with who I am. I moved all the way from Australia to London so that I can learn more about myself and accept myself for who I am. I guess today are one of those days where I’m in a confused state and feeling lonely?

    I don’t particularly want to talk to my friends/ family atm as I don’t want them to worry about me so I’m sorry I have to vent it here.

    It is really good to see that you and your partner have been together for a very long time and am still going strong. It is just so rare for gay relationships to last that long (from what i gather). That is my ultimate aim one day too :)

    Again great to see your blog!

    • Hi Jason,
      It’s so gratifying to read your response and kind compliments. Thank you so much. I also hope you find other blogs that are helpful or motivational to you. I don’t post often or regularly I’m afraid, and I am only one person’s opinion, and so I sincerely hope you have found or will eventually find other outlets for support as well.

      Regarding family and friends, I would like to share something from my own experience, where for some years I distanced myself from family and some friends, thinking they will not accept me, thinking they are too narrow minded and prejudiced to accept me. Then I realised I was the one who was prejudiced against them, by not giving them the chance to accept me.

      Now they know, but of course things are just smooth on the surface. If we were to discuss it openly and honestly, I won’t be surprised if some voice their disapproval or simply sadness at my being gay. But well, I can’t ask for the moon. I just wish I hadn’t been so hard on them and distanced myself from them all those years.

      It’s sweet you don’t want your family and friends to worry about you. Talk about it with them only when you are ready and comfortable to do so.

      I have to say I’m curious about your moving to London from Australia to learn more about yourself and accepting yourself. I always thought Australia is a very open country? (I’ve never been to Australia or the UK) And that Sydney is one of the gay capitals of the world LOL? Perhaps you were in Australia but not Sydney? I’m sure there’s some story behind your move.

      Thank you for the compliment regarding my long relationship. Yes I too gather that gay relationships don’t tend to last long. But having accepted that compliment, I have to be honest that it had been far from smooth sailing. There were infidelities from both parties, of which we both regret deeply, and there were major conflicts such that some times one or both parties wanted to walk away, thinking it was not working. Anyway, I wish you best of luck in yours. May you find what you’re looking for, and that you find peace and happiness.

  2. When I came out I joined every gay organization there was! I was definitely proud of being gay. I had to be proud because my Mormon and Catholic upbringing taught me otherwise. I needed to colorize those old black & white videotapes and turn a negative into a positive, something to be proud of.

    • That’s great Russel! I’m happy for you that you did that, and I love how you put it, “colorize those old black and white videotapes and turn a negative into a positive”. Two expressions I will remember from you for sure.

      And as I write that, I’m reminded of the movie Pleasantville, a sweet little tale I love about two 90s teenagers who got sucked into a black-and-white 50s sitcom in their TV set, and as they start to influence the so-called ‘backward’ society in there, they start to colorize that black-and-white world. Sounds like Woody Allen stuff, but it’s not, but it’s still a great film! (to me). Ok, I’m off-topic now, sorry.

      Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m flattered when you drop by and like a post, as I enjoy your writing and photography very much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s